Tag: alcohol abuse

Spiral

I tried for weeks to convince my friends nothing happened. I was so ashamed. I should have known better. Being on guard is a natural state. When I was a kid, my older brother was a lot tougher than me, and he wasn’t gentle. There was no reason I shouldn’t have been able to defend myself. I should have seen there was something wrong with him. There’s no end to the list of should haves and I still struggle to convince myself it’s not true. I look in the mirror and feel disgusted. I couldn’t sleep in my own room. I threw out my sheets and blankets, I put a rug over the blood on the carpet. It didn’t matter. Every time I walked in I knew it was in my mattress and on my floor.

The weirdest things drive you to something good sometimes. That kid I babysat for Hitoshi that was being adopted by a man in Japan, his adoptive cousin, being raised by her uncle as Ijiro’s sister was in the states practicing at Hitoshi’s school. He visited a lot as he grew and I continued helping Hitoshi watch over him while he was in town until he was 7. He liked me a lot so we kept in contact. He’s in his 20’s now. He inherited his adoptive father’s store and house. And he invited me to stay with him and even offered me a job. So here I am, I went from a confident, decorated martial artist, to an easily panicked accountant working for a guy 10 years my junior. It got me away, and I trust him. And not to insult him, but he probably couldn’t threaten me if he tried, even with the state I’ve been in.

He even set aside some home renovation funds to add a security system hoping it would make me feel secure. Really, I feel guilty. How could I be so pathetic that someone just starting their adult life feels a need to protect me? I reported Raph under the urging of my friends, I didn’t want to but I did. I was keeping up with a lawyer by phone and email, but I had to go back for the trial. I ended up staying in a hotel, I couldn’t go to that apartment again. Bubbles’ older brother was coming to help me prepare for the trial and clear out anything I wanted to ship out of my old place. He’s not a lawyer, he volunteered to help as a friend, but I knew it was his profession (and his little sister) that drove him to help, I’ll get into that later. He was going to pick me up in the morning to go to my apartment before the trial so I could get out again as soon as possible.

I spent the whole evening imaging the way people would look at me. My own brother had agreed to be a character witness against me on Raph’s behalf. He probably resented me because of a lawsuit when his negligence put our little brother in danger. He was calling me unstable, telling people he believed I would ask Raph to hurt me. I spent the evening dreading seeing Raph again. Then I started drinking. A lot. About halfway through my bottle of vodka I realized I couldn’t face it, and I swallowed as many of my antidepressants as I could.

I’ve never felt more crushed than when I woke up in the hospital the next day. I had forgotten I put Stefan’s name on the room. I had been sleeping terribly and I wanted him to be able to get a key if I wasn’t awake. If I was ashamed before, being found unconscious in a pool of vomit on a bathroom floor didn’t help. So I was alive, but I spent so much of the night vomiting that it tore up my throat. They put in an NG tube because I couldn’t swallow at all. My blood pressure was wrecked, I could barely breathe, and Stefan was still dragging me to court assuming I could be released. I was released, into Stefan’s custody as a therapist. Instead of going back to Japan I ended up living in Germany in Stefan’s house. He took the door off the guest bedroom and bathroom, and locked all the cabinets. He took my wallet away, he also took my phone and computer, I was only allowed to use them with supervision. I couldn’t even leave by myself. If it wasn’t bad enough already, I was having a real problem getting air stuck in my stomach with the tube feeding. I was also having a real problem trying to force burps with the tube in my throat. The only way to relieve it was to let Stefan slap my back like I was a damn baby.

I hated him. I hated his wife. I hated his house. I didn’t really, I was just so damn mad. I spent most of my time at Bubbles’ house next door. As often as Stefan would let me anyway. Fortunately it was only a week before they took the NG tube out, I probably could have had it out sooner. My leg wasn’t getting any better, and two of my heart valves were damaged in the overdose. They said my heart wasn’t receiving enough oxygen, and I needed to carry a portable tank. This was my life now, is my life now. And I did it to myself, I know. And there was Iji, have I admitted yet how much I really cared about him? And I knew how he felt about me. He didn’t push anything, but he didn’t hide it. He was going to hear what I did, and it was going to hurt him. And no matter how sorry I was for that, I still don’t regret what I did. I’m angry about how it turned out. I’ve promised him it will never happen again, and I mean it. But… I wonder if it would have been better if Stefan hadn’t saved me. I’m alive, but I’ve ruined my health. I’m alive, but the memories I have are frequently overwhelming.

It was a few weeks before Stefan was confident letting me leave. Iji came to get me, it must have been an awkward car ride. Stefan doesn’t know any Japanese and barely any English. Iji doesn’t know any German and… can communicate in English. I could tell he was mad when he saw me. But he didn’t yell or anything, he never does. He just cried and I hated myself more. He forgave me and it’s so much more than I deserve. And he brought me home.

Last Summer

So let’s fast forward to to when I’m 27. My mother had been diagnosed with Huntington’s a few years prior, she was hospitalized not long later and progressed rapidly. My mom had always been so accepting. I went to the hospital as often as I could to visit, read with her… I just wanted to spend time with her. She was the person in my family I trusted the most. I finally told her who Eli actually was to me. She killed herself a few days later. Last year, a few months before I turned 33. I get a call from my sister, my dad had a heart attack. I was upset, he’s my dad after all, but mostly fine. He died within a few days, and I lost it. I had only just started realizing how much I resented him, and I wasn’t sad that he died, I mad. I was so mad that I’d never get to ask him why he needed to force Theo and I to compete. I’d never get to ask him why he had the opinions on masculinity he did. I’d never get to ask him if we ever actually mattered to him. I’d never get to ask if he hesitated at all before letting me leave for almost a decade. I’d never get to ask if he would really reject his own son for being gay.

I spiraled again, turns out he didn’t do any good teaching me to handle emotions. I got so drunk a friend from Germany decided to come visit. She went pretty easy on me at first. But I needed to fight something, she wasn’t in fighting shape anymore, and I wasn’t in the tournament circle. Some bars do host not so legal fights if you know where to go though. I only had suspicions about one place, but I was right. She was so mad when I got home covered in bruises. She hid my keys and my wallet and wouldn’t leave me alone. Remember when I mentioned a couple of guys travelling around my drunken European sex trip with me? One of them, this guy Raphael was in the group. He was a prostitute before, but a very specialized kind. He used to be a paid dom. I was never really into that before, nothing against anyone who is, it just wasn’t my thing. God damn he was good at what he did though. He could make you forget your own name if you wanted, and I needed that. He had called me back a few times over the years, he liked to call me his favorite. He was a theatre tech by the time a met him, but he didn’t boot his old clients, he just didn’t charge. I was never client, he was always the one that called me. I decided it was my turn this time.

He came right away, and sure enough I was too distracted by everything he made me feel to care about drinking more. It also had the bonus effect of getting Bubbles to leave me alone, as long as I wasn’t drowning myself in wine and vodka she wasn’t so concerned. I didn’t need to be drunk I needed to feel good and he made me feel great. He even got me talking, about when I was a kid, about my dad, about everything. I really opened up to him. He even talked me into visiting a therapist to work through all the issues my dad left me with. When he asked if his previous profession would make me to uncomfortable to go on a proper date with him, I didn’t hesitate. Our first official date he wanted me to put on my best suit and take me to Les Trois Forts. Put on my best suit, my best wasn’t good enough. I hadn’t been on a real date since Eli died, it had always felt so wrong. It was so exciting to feel confident about going on a date, I went all out.
€3800 suit, silk-lined vest, silk tie and pocket square… Yeah our friend Spikey decided to start calling me Mr. Francy Pants. I was not pleased that that one stuck. But I wanted this date to be perfect, I needed a win. That not so legal fight I drunkenly decided to find, turns out my boss’ brother likes to watch fights. Turns out my boss’ brother was meeting him at the gym for lunch and recognized me. I didn’t lose my job, but I was put on a 6 month suspension pending review.

The date was wonderful, and my plan to tease him with how absolutely devilish I looked in that suit worked perfectly. That was the first night we had ever actually had sex. He always used toys, but the nature of relationship changed when we made it official. We kept the relationship going for another few weeks and it was fantastic. He was doing me a lot of good. Now, there’s one important compatibility problem in our relationship. Raph was strictly a top, I’m not strictly a bottom. I was clear with him right from the start that I wouldn’t commit to being a permanent bottom. The deal he proposed was that, as long as he was involved, whenever I wanted to top we could go find someone to play with. To me, this was just more proof that this was good. He was willing to work with me to ensure we both got what we wanted. That’s what I thought anyway. With the suspension I canceled my appointments with the therapist at least until I was bringing in full checks again. My savings had to keep me floating until those 6 months were over. Turns out, our play night was a ‘treat’ the last one I was going to get until I rescheduled all my canceled appointments.

I liked him a lot, but I wasn’t taking an ultimatum regarding my finances while I was only receiving a quarter of my salary. I asked him to reconsider, and was very clear with him that I wouldn’t accept ultimatums in a relationship. I gave him plenty of time to think on it, and the next time I invited him on a date he asked if I had rescheduled yet. That was it, I was going to end it. I asked if we could meet but he was working a play so he said he’s stop by my place after. I should have insisted on meeting out.