I’m actually going to go off topic with this one. Just a real quick note, I’ve been staying in Germany with Stefan again, just not as a patient this time. There’s a door on both the guest bedroom and bathroom this time! I’ve been here a little over a week now. I’ve been having seizures and Iji just isn’t strong enough to easily maneuver me if necessary, and Stefan’s wife is a nurse. So I’m here to have some tests until I at least have a cause and treatment plan, then I’m back home again. I’ve been here a couple of days now, and I’m ready to go home. My first appointment was a few days ago, they took a couple of blood samples and a plasma sample and that’s about all I know. After I that it’s an MRI, EEG… I can’t keep track anymore.
The point is I hate my body. I never used to. No matter how I feel about my father, my genes are good, I took care of myself, I’ve always felt pretty good. After July I put on about 15 kg pretty quick. The scars on my back already didn’t bother me too much, but now I have new ones. None of my clothes fit the same and they all look terrible. I found a few things that work, but not so much with the tube running across my face. I was almost starting to feel OK then I pulled that suit. It went straight in the fireplace, silk burns up quick. Isn’t it unfair that no matter how I try, I can’t see myself the way I used to?
I have managed to work off roughly 5kg with my leg and foot fully back in working order. Cardio is a challenge I’ll have to work on later, I just don’t think I have it in me right now. Iji and I had a routine of stretching together, and we’d walk to the store together once a week. I’m trying to keep the walking up while I’m here, and he was able to take a few days off to visit during my stay so we walked together, but I don’t know why I keep getting so damn stressed out walking out by myself. I used to run every damn morning and it was fine, I’d walk around the middle of the night just to relax but now I feel like I’ll drop out of my own skin when I’m off alone. Stefan’s wife goes out with me when she’s restless, but she’s a little over 6 months pregnant with twins and wears out as quickly as I do with my heart so we’re not good for motivating each other. It also serves as yet another unnecessary reminder of how badly I fucked up, yet I still don’t regret what I tried to do, only how
I started writing this about a week ago, but I haven’t been doing well and set it aside. The update since I started writing is that all of my tests have come up with exactly nothing so they’re focusing completely on the medication angle. Unfortunately, there aren’t many options they can try because their risks are too much with the damage already done to my heart…. Right, that part where I screwed up again. There was a time I thought I was intelligent. Now I come up with new reasons every day to feel like a moron, a failure, a coward, a pitiful excuse for the man I used to be and I really can’t figure out why. I know I shouldn’t hate myself, I know I didn’t cause what happened to me, but I do, and I did. It was my fault. I should have been guarded, I shouldn’t have had that bit of wine, I shouldn’t have turned my back, I shouldn’t have ever been with him in the first place … Then I just feel guiltier because I’m better with Iji around, but that isn’t his responsibility. He deserves more than that… he deserves for me to be better on my own so I can be better for him.
He deserves so much better than someone that came a little too close to breaking a promise today. I nearly made myself a liar and I don’t even know what came over me. I haven’t got a clue what I was thinking, I just couldn’t handle anything. I had this moment where I felt so overwhelmed. I had taken a nap and I woke up, again, feeling hands on my neck and I was so overwhelmed and terrified of something I couldn’t fight … Stefan is an intuitive genius that suddenly started worrying about me, so he stepped away from a family event and got back to his house just before. Twice now he’s saved my life, I forgive him for it this time. As much as I’d like to pretend this time didn’t happen, here it is. I don’t even know if I’m brave enough to tell Iji myself. He deserves to know, he’s putting his trust and his faith in me and I’m just spitting all over it.
Appel du Vide 