Spiral

I tried for weeks to convince my friends nothing happened. I was so ashamed. I should have known better. Being on guard is a natural state. When I was a kid, my older brother was a lot tougher than me, and he wasn’t gentle. There was no reason I shouldn’t have been able to defend myself. I should have seen there was something wrong with him. There’s no end to the list of should haves and I still struggle to convince myself it’s not true. I look in the mirror and feel disgusted. I couldn’t sleep in my own room. I threw out my sheets and blankets, I put a rug over the blood on the carpet. It didn’t matter. Every time I walked in I knew it was in my mattress and on my floor.

The weirdest things drive you to something good sometimes. That kid I babysat for Hitoshi that was being adopted by a man in Japan, his adoptive cousin, being raised by her uncle as Ijiro’s sister was in the states practicing at Hitoshi’s school. He visited a lot as he grew and I continued helping Hitoshi watch over him while he was in town until he was 7. He liked me a lot so we kept in contact. He’s in his 20’s now. He inherited his adoptive father’s store and house. And he invited me to stay with him and even offered me a job. So here I am, I went from a confident, decorated martial artist, to an easily panicked accountant working for a guy 10 years my junior. It got me away, and I trust him. And not to insult him, but he probably couldn’t threaten me if he tried, even with the state I’ve been in.

He even set aside some home renovation funds to add a security system hoping it would make me feel secure. Really, I feel guilty. How could I be so pathetic that someone just starting their adult life feels a need to protect me? I reported Raph under the urging of my friends, I didn’t want to but I did. I was keeping up with a lawyer by phone and email, but I had to go back for the trial. I ended up staying in a hotel, I couldn’t go to that apartment again. Bubbles’ older brother was coming to help me prepare for the trial and clear out anything I wanted to ship out of my old place. He’s not a lawyer, he volunteered to help as a friend, but I knew it was his profession (and his little sister) that drove him to help, I’ll get into that later. He was going to pick me up in the morning to go to my apartment before the trial so I could get out again as soon as possible.

I spent the whole evening imaging the way people would look at me. My own brother had agreed to be a character witness against me on Raph’s behalf. He probably resented me because of a lawsuit when his negligence put our little brother in danger. He was calling me unstable, telling people he believed I would ask Raph to hurt me. I spent the evening dreading seeing Raph again. Then I started drinking. A lot. About halfway through my bottle of vodka I realized I couldn’t face it, and I swallowed as many of my antidepressants as I could.

I’ve never felt more crushed than when I woke up in the hospital the next day. I had forgotten I put Stefan’s name on the room. I had been sleeping terribly and I wanted him to be able to get a key if I wasn’t awake. If I was ashamed before, being found unconscious in a pool of vomit on a bathroom floor didn’t help. So I was alive, but I spent so much of the night vomiting that it tore up my throat. They put in an NG tube because I couldn’t swallow at all. My blood pressure was wrecked, I could barely breathe, and Stefan was still dragging me to court assuming I could be released. I was released, into Stefan’s custody as a therapist. Instead of going back to Japan I ended up living in Germany in Stefan’s house. He took the door off the guest bedroom and bathroom, and locked all the cabinets. He took my wallet away, he also took my phone and computer, I was only allowed to use them with supervision. I couldn’t even leave by myself. If it wasn’t bad enough already, I was having a real problem getting air stuck in my stomach with the tube feeding. I was also having a real problem trying to force burps with the tube in my throat. The only way to relieve it was to let Stefan slap my back like I was a damn baby.

I hated him. I hated his wife. I hated his house. I didn’t really, I was just so damn mad. I spent most of my time at Bubbles’ house next door. As often as Stefan would let me anyway. Fortunately it was only a week before they took the NG tube out, I probably could have had it out sooner. My leg wasn’t getting any better, and two of my heart valves were damaged in the overdose. They said my heart wasn’t receiving enough oxygen, and I needed to carry a portable tank. This was my life now, is my life now. And I did it to myself, I know. And there was Iji, have I admitted yet how much I really cared about him? And I knew how he felt about me. He didn’t push anything, but he didn’t hide it. He was going to hear what I did, and it was going to hurt him. And no matter how sorry I was for that, I still don’t regret what I did. I’m angry about how it turned out. I’ve promised him it will never happen again, and I mean it. But… I wonder if it would have been better if Stefan hadn’t saved me. I’m alive, but I’ve ruined my health. I’m alive, but the memories I have are frequently overwhelming.

It was a few weeks before Stefan was confident letting me leave. Iji came to get me, it must have been an awkward car ride. Stefan doesn’t know any Japanese and barely any English. Iji doesn’t know any German and… can communicate in English. I could tell he was mad when he saw me. But he didn’t yell or anything, he never does. He just cried and I hated myself more. He forgave me and it’s so much more than I deserve. And he brought me home.